You may well ask me what is my problem, And why I have such as miserable face, How do I start to tell you? Sure it’s a downright disgrace As you know how I’ve always kept myself busy, Doing housework, shopping and cooking, Now would you believe it? Old age crept up on me when I wasn’t looking! I used to be able to climb high ladders, To emulsion my high ceiling, If I were to do that now, Sure my head would be reeling Remember how I used to get out my canvases, And paint pictures of the Mourne Mountains by the sea, Now my hands are so shaky, I can hardly hold a cup of tea Oh how I did love the dancing, I was a wizz at the ‘Twist’ and ‘Jive’, Now if I dare take to the floor, Someone’s sure to prod me to make sure I’m still alive Oh what’s to become of me? I can’t even touch my toes, Yet it seems like only yesterday, I was as flexible as a garden hose Another thing that worries me, I can’t walk my wee dog, Sure it takes me over twenty minutes, To reach the outside bog I had to give up writing poetry, As my mind can’t think straight, Did I tell you what happened the other night? When I didn’t recognise my mate? It all happened as I watched ‘T.V. burp’, Starring Harry Hill, the wee man with the bald head, That’s when I noticed this strange man beside me, Fast asleep, as if he were in bed Now you know how wary I am of strangers, So I got stuck into him like a shot, As I danced about like Mohammad Ali, My two fists gave him all they had got T’was then the fog cleared from my mind, As I heard this pitiful cry of ‘Mercy, Mercy’, Thanks be to God, just in time, As I realised that I’d almost killed my mate wee Percy Someone sat me on a chair, told me I’d be fine, While a neighbour grabbed my mobile phone And dialled ‘999’ The police arrived they ask me to make me a statement, I told him sure as I had nothing to hide, One policeman was very cheeky with me, Told me I could be looking at a stretch inside He called me a bully for what I had done to Percy, But sure he doesn’t have a clue, When I’m not having these senior moments, There is nothing for wee Percy I wouldn’t do!